There's no guilt quite like the guilt of motherhood. The second you bring your baby home from the hospital, it begins. You are completely responsible for this new life, which means thousands of different decisions to make. Each new decision means a chance to screw up.
Wow, Lori, having a happy day? No, not really. I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and I can handle a lot so that's saying something. Our house is now up for sale, and we've nearly killed ourselves getting it ready. Not that anything was really "wrong" with it, but buyers are really picky these days and we've tried to make it perfect. I'm a neat freak, but it's still tough to keep up with everything, especially with the kids always ready to make a mess.
But really, out of all the things that are going on, the straw that broke the camel's back (I'm tired, and tired people are allowed to resort to cliches) was that when I picked up my son from sports camp today, he was sunburned. Really, really sunburned. How did this happen?
Well, they were going to a water park today and it was an outdoor water park but I didn't know that. You know, that's an excuse. I should have asked, or just slathered him with sunblock anyway. I feel angry that the camp counselors didn't offer to share their sunblock with him, but really I'm just angry at myself.
The real thing about parenting is, no matter how many things you do right, it's the one thing you do wrong that sticks with you. Somehow the sunburn cancels out the field trips, the hugs, baking cookies, the walks to the park. All I can think about is how I failed my son.
He's going to be fine, and I'll get past my anger, but in the meantime I've got to somehow forgive myself and just let go. My son and I have agreed that no matter what his sports camp schedule, we're covering him in sunblock every day. It helps to make vows like that. But it doesn't take away the sting of failure completely.
Some might say, what's a little sunburn - we've all had it happen when we were kids. Sure, I did too. It's not so much the sunburn itself (although that bothers me too), it's the feeling that my son needed me to protect him and I didn't. I do not like that feeling at all. I knew I'd sleep better tonight if I got my rant "out there", so world, here it is: I'm a mom, and I feel like a failure.
